A Romantic Valentine Story

Being Valentine's weekend and all my massage schedule is booked solid with couples massages. If you don't know what a couples massage is it's two massage tables and two therapists in one room so that the couple can be massaged in the same room. Awww...ever so romantic...right? I'm rubbing a away and my client (the lady) lets a huge fart rip. I'm talking this didn't just slip out it was a good 30 seconds of honking. Well doesn't this just startle the shit out of me and I look at the other therapist in the room and we attempt to not laugh. It's bad enough when your client passes gas and your alone with them but now I'm reduced to a Beavis & Butthead mentality and need to giggle but can't because this would disturb the quiet massage environment. Have you ever tried to stifle a laugh? It's hard, you know it's not appropriate but you can't help it so you hold it in and your body shakes. Well, if I shake while rubbing this woman she will know I am laughing at her passing of gas (unexcused and unacknowledged I might add). Okay I'm trying to calm down I close my eyes, must not look at the other therapist as silliness with only break through again. I think I have myself under control, I take a deep breath and whoa....what is that smell? Am I standing in a dumpster on a 90 degree day? Who is eating egg salad sandwiches? Is there a dead animal in here? Gene are you in my massage room? I'm going to die from this smell. I must remain in control and not let the sillies take over again. Ugh...the stench is so bad I pull the collar of my shirt up over my nose & mouth. Whew...I smell good. I showered today and that new body lotion smells yummy, kind reminds me of umbrella drinks on a beach. I think I'm doing okay until I make eye contact with the other therapist while in my safe face cocoon. Oh, no here we go again with the withholding of laughter. I can no longer look at the other side of the room at the other therapist or I will be unable to continue. Now it's time for my client to roll over I'm sure to wave the blankets so she can enjoy her own stink for a bit too. I wonder what her boyfriend thinks of her outburst. I bet it was ever so romantic that he can't wait to take her home and have his way with her. Happy Valentine's Day.

Three out of Four Clients Today were Weirdos

Three out of four clients today were weirdos. My first client was a man in his 60"s who talks really really LOUD. This man does not possess an indoor voice and we are in a massage studio. So basically I'm the therapist with the loudest client who disturbs all the other clients quietly relaxing and enjoying their massages. This guy is wearing a bright yellow shirt with a giant stain on his very prominent beer gut. It's not like he dribbled a little toothpaste on his shirt on the way out it looks like chili from several days ago. The client proceeds to shout at me about his lower back pain and what can he do to fix this. I want to say you need to lose the beer belly dude but this may adversely effect my tip so I tell him he should look into exercises to strengthen his core. I leave the room so beer belly can hoist himself on to the table. I return and start to massage his scalp which is hidden under a mop of greasy hair. Not product greasy, I'm talking dirty I don't like to wash my hair greasy. I quickly finish with this task as it is making me feel sick. I sanitize my hands before continuing with the massage (I don't usually have to do that). I start to pull the sheets off his back and a horrible smell assaults me. Thinks of a dirty hockey bag or the smell you notice upon entering Kilkenny's. Yuck and now I have to work on this filthy mess for 90 minutes. Ugh! To take my mind of this grossness I start thinking about chores I need to do at home. No matter what kind of mindless shit I try to think of the poor hygiene of this man keeps coming back to me. I guess I didn't get used to the stink. Finally LOUD stinky guy is done, he checks out with the receptionist and tells her that was the best massage he ever had so he wants to give me a little extra in the tip. So instead of his standard $4.00 he left me $6.00. Okay $6.00 friggen dollars and on a credit card to boot so I have to pay taxes on it and wait until pay day to get it. I would have rathered he kept the $6.00 and purchased soap & shampoo and actually used them.

Welcoming client #2 she appears to practice good hygiene habits. Yes, this women is not smelly but she is a talker. I try to discourage talking as this is my quiet time too. This woman hates her job and proceeds to tell me how awful it is and she hates her co-workers and her boss and all she does is drive...blah, blah, blah. Well, talky mctalk talk lets the loudest fart rip, she then clears her throat and say excuse me I'm a little gassy today. WTF!? She continues to fart throughout the session and sees nothing wrong with this. I want to pull the blanket over her head and say sorry, but it's your gas woman enjoy it. Seriously....did she stop for burritos before coming in? I should've let one rip back at her and see how she likes it.

Client #3 has a funky name, Ritz...man or woman? Putting on the Ritz pops into my head until I meet with Ritz. Yuck...I smell curry. Ritzy here tells me he needs his quads worked on...a lot and his lower abs. Lower abs...I think not. I ask why what's going on with your lower abs as that is an area not generally worked on. He tells me there is nothing going on he just likes that area rubbed and points right above his junk. I tell him we do not offer that service. I will work on your quads but no "lower abs". Now I am cranky. I return to the room apparently Ritzy is a neat boy he has hung all of his clothes up on the provided hooks including his small red bikini underwear. Again an unhappy massage because the body odor and curry smell is killing me. When will this day be over?

Client #4 appears to be a normal 20 something girl, after the day I've had I am leery. Yay she was not stinky, dirty, chatty, gassy just a regular girl. Poor girl probably wonders why my room smells like febreeze with an unlying smell of hockey bag/Kilkennys, body odor 7 cury and farts. I want to let her know that funk is not me.

Oh wait today is a full moon that explains all this craziness.