A night out with Loron & the Office Ho’s

The girls I work with are not ho's even though I fondly like to refer to them as such. We were drinking at the Brewery outside since it was a nice balmy 90º night. The party starts to break up being that it's a school night and all. A few of us head over to the Dubliner. I see Loron walking back from the bar with a drink & a shot. Loron drinks the shot, tosses the shot glass into the crowd, which bonks some guy in the head. We decide all the patrons at the Dub were 12 year old, mandal wearing faggots so we decide we will walk down to the Courtyard, which has a better clientele (not really, but it's outside). On a side note I do not like the doorman at The Courtyard he carded Lauren & Beth and looked at my haggard face and said oh you can just go in. Apparently he thought I was chaperoning my two younger friends. We only had one drink at this bar but Lauren was wrecked. She was talking to some incredible hulk man in the bar; perhaps they did shots or heroin. At this point Lauren can't really stand up and we need to get back to my car that is parked on Market Street. It was quite the task to keep Lauren from falling into the street and telling hideous strangers how hot they are (THEY WERE NOT AT ALL HOT). Let me give you a visual: A man who is about 4'11'', 250 lbs with long fuzzy sideburns walking alone when Loron spots him and yells "hey hottie, oh yar fuck me" all while shaking her hips. The dude looks around to be sure Loron is speaking to him and a smile breaks across his face. Beth & I shuffle Loron along for her own good.





Lauren thinks she's going to drive home but Beth & I will not allow such foolishness so I deposit Lauren at her house. Beth and I head to the McDonald's drive thru as we want to maintain our current weights by eating greasy cheeseburgers. I picked Lauren up the next morning and was nearly knocked down by the booze fumes that were coming off her. We're on our way to the parking garage when she announces she has no wallet or money. I check my wallet and find a mere $2.00 (must have been a good night if I have very little money left). I offer this up, drop Lauren at the garage and wish her luck.


Oh, and Lauren gave her phone to the garage attendant who called her and came by to visit her. Clearly he is of no importance at the parking garage as you will see below stated in Loron's very own words.





So after I played poor drunk me for an hour because Krystal's 20 something friends at the Dub weigh 364 pounds less than me, Cheryl was nice enough to give me a ride home, leaving Karen at the parking garage (Karen is her car). When she was even nice to drive me back to my car in the morning I hopped in and realized I hadn't brought my wallet, to which she gave me $2.00 and we hoped for the best. Upon arrival at the parking garage I got in Karen and attempted to cruise on out but when the gate wouldn't open I backed out and tried the next one to the left. FUCK I can't get out of that one either. Parking attendant man comes over and asks where my ticket is. I inform him that I do not have one to which he is astonished. He asks me to pull over and step inside of the office. Parking attendant man and woman begin to ask questions, I inform them that I have no wallet or ID just this simple $2.00 that my friend Cheryl Casey has allowed me to borrow to plan my escape from this dungeon, this makes them angry. They ask me again if I have ID and I do not. Meter Maid Loretta is paged, she again asks me a slew of questions and then decides that the vodka reeking from my pores requires police assistance. Lowell Police are called. Upon the arrival of the police, they ask me where my identification is, I respond by saying...at home. Ohhhhh Lowell police are not amused. They run my plates, and yes the car does belong to a Lauren A. Heeley, so they ask, how do we know this is you maam, I have just put on my cunty pants as they are tying up my 45 minutes left of sleep.....I decide it is a good idea to shout....WELL I'VE BEEN ARRESTED SO CLEARLY YOU HAVE MY MUG SHOT, CHECK IT OUT YOU EVEN HAVE PICTURES OF MY BODY ART AND I CAN SHOW YOU THAT AS WELL....Ohhhh Lowell police is furious, as he is telling me that this is not a joke, Allison Carrol who I tapped danced with to "New York New York" circa 1995 care of Demetra School Of Dance walks in and says HEY LAUREN......I shout "SHE SAID MY NAME I DIDNT ASK HER TOO, I DIDNT EVEN SEE HER WALKING IN"........this does not work, I am asked to get my registration from the vehicle and I do, now I'm stomping my feet as I walk.......they let me go and told me they would send me a fine and I'll pay it but clearly the parking garage attendant who reeks of WD40 being at my house till 3:30 a.m. does nothing for me.....I will NEVER give a carney ass tilt a whirl running greasy pete my number again, he was no help!!!